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Dear Naomi,
I married my wife after we found out that she was pregnant. In fact we decided to break up the night before this discovery. Four years have passed since and we now have two children. The problem is that I do not love my wife and I do not think that I can give her what she needs. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother remarried to a man who was very abusive to my siblings and me. I definitely do not want my kids to experience what I experienced as a child. I married my wife because I thought that that was the right thing to do at the time. I want to keep the marriage for my kids' sake. I am willing to support my wife financially and emotionally and help raise our children but I cannot be a loving intimate partner to her. Do you think that we can work this out? T.H.
Dear TH,
Separation and divorce is a traumatic experience to all persons involved especially the children. Leaving a marriage is greatly complicated when there are children involved as their well being might conflict with parent present needs and desires. Since children are dependent on parental care for their survival, their needs and well fare should be a priority in a situation of marital conflict.
Children tend to be very sensitive and perceptive of the dynamics between their parents. They will recognize distance and suppressed anger and resentments and will be affected by it. It is not unusual for children to develop psychological difficulties as a response to their parents unresolved marital stress. In short, children will get hurt whenever the adults in their life do not act maturely and responsibly.
So while I commend you on your concern for your children, your proposed solution to your situation will not spare your children from being wounded. Further more, your wife needs to agree to this arrangement. Withdrawing and distancing from her, while at the same time insisting that nothing is wrong will greatly hurt and confuse her.
Was your wife aware of your lack of feelings for her when you decided to marry her because of the pregnancy? Did she know that there was no change in your feelings towards her when you conceived the second child? Is she aware of your dilemma at the present time? Your children will not be protected if their mother is wounded. Thus my suggestion to you is to look carefully and honestly at your situation. If you want to save the marriage for whatever reason, you need to work on becoming the partner your wife deserves to have. Creating a marriage like situation without fully participating in it will only work if both partners agree to that arrangement. If your true focus is your selfish needs, than you would not, most likely, be motivated to share your honest truth with your wife and you will not most likely, be giving her a chance to have a voice in determining the quality of her future life and that of her children.
Dear Naomi,
I am a 30 year old man who is "dying" to have a close relationship with a woman. I believe that I am reasonably good looking. I think of myself as honest, loyal and decent person. I believe that I am truly caring and giving. So why can't I find a woman who would want me? I am not looking for perfection. All I expect is to go out with someone who shares my interests so that we could have something to talk about. Is that too much to expect?
Recently I had a chance to date. The women I met were either inappropriate for me or if I was interested they rejected me. They either did not return my calls or gave me an excuse to justify their disinterest. I wish they would have told me the truth so that I would know what I am doing wrong. Do you have any suggestions? I am afraid that I will end up alone. V.L.
Dear V.L:
Your frustration and desperation are evident from your letter. The possibility of having to live your life alone can be frightening indeed. So much so that one might feel desperate to engage in a relationship at the cost of losing one's autonomy. Yet from your short description of your experience I sense that you have another fear as well. I wonder if you are as afraid of succeeding in a relationship as you are of not having one.
You list your expectations which seems reasonable. However I wonder if you considered the need to be curious about getting to know the person you are meeting rather than focusing solely on "testing" them to insure that they share your interests. How much energy have you invested in experiencing interest in your date before you decided that she is inappropriate for you?
It is painful to experience rejections. It is even more difficult when one is left in the dark as to what happened and what they did "wrong". This is especially so because if you do not know what turned the other person off you will not know how to avoid similar reactions with another date. One issue you might want to consider is whether you come across too desperate. Woman like men who demonstrate that they are whole people, that they are confident and have a life. Are you making yourself too eager, too available and flexible? If this is the case you might benefit from getting busy. Your life at 30 should be interesting and exciting regardless whether you have a girl friend or not. Take time to develop your interests and views and get back to the independent self reliant man you are. Finally you might consider discussing your relationship difficulties with a therapist.
Dear Naomi,
My stepfather sexually abused me when I was eleven years old. I dealt with my feelings about this in therapy and I feel that I was able to move on with my life. I left home after high school. Presently I am married and doing well. I generally do not think about the past until the holidays when I feel that I am expected to spend time with my mother and her husband. I never told my mother of what happened between him and me. My mother is hurt and confused about my reluctance to visit her or spend time with her in her house.
This year like in the past, my mother is planing on a festive dinner and expects me to sit by the table and relax with her. In the past when I could not find an excuse to decline the invitation, I found myself sitting across the table from my stepfather and experiencing my rage at what he did to me. I struggle suppressing my wish to confront him and tell him what I think about him. I also find that I am angry at my mother for her naivete and ignorance about her husband's dark part.
My mother tells me that she is happy with this man. I do not want to hurt her or destroy the life she has. I am also concerned that if I tell her, she might stick by him any way. Was that to happen, I will lose all respect for her and most likely will not speak to her again.
Do you have any suggestion as to how I could lessen the stress I feel so that I could get through the holidays with out creating a mess? F.L.
Dear F.L,
Your situation is complicated. You are to be congratulated on being able to move on with your life and not let the trauma you suffered at such a young age paralyze your future. While therapy was helpful to you it seems that you have some more work to do. Being healed means that you feel free to relate to your mother and her husband with out the stress you describe in your letter.
Sexual abuse is one of the more painful and traumatizing experiences in a growing child's life. This is especially so because it violates the trust children need to feel towards their adult caretakers in order to successfully conquer the natural developmental stages toward maturity. In case of an abuse, the child feels betrayed by both the perpetrator and the other parent who fails to protect him/her. Since children's need for their parents care is a condition for their survival, rather than experiencing anger toward the parents, kids tend to respond with self-blame, shame, guilt and fear. Often this motivates them to keep what happened a secret.
Further complication in the healing process is the fact that true forgiveness can only occur if the perpetrator genuinely admits his crime asks for forgiveness and is willing and able to allow the victim to express his/her feelings about what happened. Anything short of this makes true forgiveness impossible and thus like in your story, the trauma continuous to affect you and to cause you stresses.
I believe that in order to be able to feel closer to your mother you will need to find a way to tell her what happened. However this cannot be done like a test aimed at seeing whether she will respond "the right way". If and when you are ready to do this deep sharing it will have to be in a non-conditional manner. Only then will it be a healing experience for both of you.
Since this issue is truly complex I will strongly recommend that you seek further therapy to help you work through the remaining rage that you are experiencing and with your family relationships.
Call: 561.988.0375 or E-mail: Naomiberger@thecouplesplace.net